Well, it’s finally happened. After six months of faithful cashiering at Sprouts Farmers Market, I have finally been named Employee of the Month.
Please, no pictures.
I am actually excited about this though. I know all my woke friends say that these worker rewards programs are just a way for the fat cat corporations to keep me subservient to their wicked capitalist scheme to destroy the planet and the country and my soul and that I’m just a camel blindly submitting the one percent’s disgraceful bidding and that I need to be a lion and roar back against the man because that’s the only way I’ll ever truly be free– but I got a twenty-five dollar gift card and a little green “Team Member of the Month” pin, so how bad could it really be?
Let the CEOs enslave us all and set the stratosphere on fire, I get two weeks of free groceries.
OR, I could just skip the groceries and stock up on tea instead.
See, here’s my dilemma: It’s the holiday season, which means that all those fat cat corporations, in their diabolical effort to steal every last penny from the helplessly consumerist proletariat, have released their limited edition holiday-themed products, which of course means that the Celestial Tea Company, the holiest of all spice blenders, has released their “Candy Cane Lane” tea flavor. Now, being my sheep-like self– who, in exchange for a pretty little pin and a twenty five dollar gift card, will willingly submit to his role as a pawn in the corporations’s mission to rid the world of baby pandas and bottle-nosed dolphins– I have fallen head first for this conniving marketing ploy.
I love my Celestial Seasonings holiday teas– even if they are just a clandestine way for the one-percenters to condition me to love my chains– and I always drink through each box in a week or two, so the arsenal that I prepared at the beginning of the season is already beginning to run low.
Additionally, Sprouts only ordered four palettes worth of holiday teas for the entire season, so once those four palettes have been sold, that’s it. Dunzo. No more Candy Cane Lane for another year. This hasn’t been a problem so far, and the tea has only been selling at a moderate rate, but– our store being one that is heavily trafficked by upper-middle class suburban Moms who, like myself, also rely on their Colorado-blended peppermint teas to get them through the holidays– I would imagine that once Thanksgiving has passed, this is going to change. So if I’m going to get enough Candy Cane Lane to sustain me through the harsh winter months ahead, I’m going to need to act fast.
But a man cannot live on tea alone, and if I’m going to survive, I’m going to need some actual sustenance. Thus, there’s a part of me that feels like perhaps I should be spending the $25 on food and avacados and all those other good things that will give me the ATP I need to continue blindly carrying out the will of my corporate overlords. That would be the wise thing to do, wouldn’t it? The “adult” thing? I suppose so.
So that’s where I’m at right now– spending the thirty minutes I have set aside for myself to blog each morning writing out a 548 word internal debate on whether or not I should buy tea.
There’s a part of me that feels like I should go skydiving or crocodile-hunting or volunteer as tribute for the Hunger Games or something and blog about that. That would probably be more interesting. More blog-worthy. But for now, tea’s what I’ve got.
-S.P.
The Scottyssey 