A: Knock knock
C: Who’s there?
A: No, it’s me. Who’s waiting in the driveway.
C: I don’t know who’s waiting in the driveway. I want to know who’s knocking.
A: No, I’m knocking.
C: Who’s you?
A: No no no! I’m me. Who’s waiting in the driveway!
C: I don’t know who’s waiting in the driveway, and I can’t check if I don’t first know who’s knocking at my door!
A: Who’s not knocking at your door.
C: That’s not what I want to know. I don’t care who’s not knocking at my door, I just want to know who is knocking at my door!
A: But he’s not knocking at your door.
C: Who’s not?
A: Exactly.
C: Well Exactly can knock or not knock as much as he wants, I don’t particularly care! What I want to know is who is knocking!
A: No he isn’t! I am!
C: You are!
A: I am.
C: Right. So, you are knocking at my door. And you also want to know who’s in the driveway.
A: I already told you Who’s in the driveway.
C: You already told me who’s in the driveway?
A: Yes.
C: So who’s in the driveway then?
A: Yes.
C: Yes is in the driveway?
A: No.
C: Yes isn’t in the driveway?
A: Right.
C: So if Yes isn’t in the driveway, then who is?
A: Exactly.
C: Exactly.
A: Exactly.
C: Exactly’s in the driveway?
A: No. Who is.
C: I DON’T KNOW WHO’S IN THE DRIVEWAY BECAUSE I CAN’T SEE WHO’S IN THE DRIVEWAY WITHOUT OPENING MY DOOR AND CHECKING AND I CAN’T OPEN MY DOOR UNTIL I KNOW WHO’S KNOCKING AT IT!
A: But Who isn’t knocking at it.
C: I DON’T CARE WHO ISN’T KNOCKING AT IT I ONLY CARE WHO IS!
A: Well if you don’t care Who isn’t knocking I don’t see why you should care if he were.
C: If who were?
A: Exactly.
C: I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT EXACTLY I’M TALKING ABOUT WHO’S KNOCKING AT MY DOOR!
A: But don’t you understand! He can’t possibly be knocking at your door if he’s waiting in the driveway!
C: Who can’t?
A: Exactly.
C: Okay, okay, okay. Let’s go back to the beginning. Let’s just start with what we know: Someone is knocking at my door.
A: Right.
C: And that someone is you.
A: Correct.
C: Okay, so, you are knocking at my door– you’re the one coming to my door saying “Knock Knock,” to which I respond “Who’s there?” and––
A: No, I’m here, Who’s waiting in the dr––
C: ZIPPIT! ZIP YOUR LIPS I AM THINKING! Right. So, you say “Knock Knock” I ask “Who’s there?” And the answer to that question then would be “You.” You’re there.
A: Yes. I’m here.
C: Okay… okay. I think I’ve got this thing sorted out now. Let’s try this again. Okay?
A: Okay.
C: Okay. Here we go. Take it from the top.
A: “Knock Knock”
C: Now I ask “Who’s there?” to which the answer would be You’re there, so “You.” “Knock Knock; who’s there?; You.”
A: Right.
C: Okay. Okay. You who?
A: No! For the last time, I’m me, Who’s waiting in the driveway!
Aaaaand Curtain.
-S.P.
