Abbott and Costello Meet Knock-Knock Jokes

A: Knock knock

C: Who’s there?

A: No, it’s me. Who’s waiting in the driveway.

C: I don’t know who’s waiting in the driveway. I want to know who’s knocking.

A: No, I’m knocking.

C: Who’s you?

A: No no no! I’m me. Who’s waiting in the driveway!

C: I don’t know who’s waiting in the driveway, and I can’t check if I don’t first know who’s knocking at my door!

A: Who’s not knocking at your door.

C: That’s not what I want to know. I don’t care who’s not knocking at my door, I just want to know who is knocking at my door!

A: But he’s not knocking at your door.

C: Who’s not?

A: Exactly.

C: Well Exactly can knock or not knock as much as he wants, I don’t particularly care! What I want to know is who is knocking!

A: No he isn’t! I am!

C: You are!

A: I am.

C: Right. So, you are knocking at my door. And you also want to know who’s in the driveway.

A: I already told you Who’s in the driveway.

C: You already told me who’s in the driveway?

A: Yes.

C: So who’s in the driveway then?

A: Yes.

C: Yes is in the driveway?

A: No.

C: Yes isn’t in the driveway?

A: Right.

C: So if Yes isn’t in the driveway, then who is?

A: Exactly.

C: Exactly.

A: Exactly.

C: Exactly’s in the driveway?

A: No. Who is.

C: I DON’T KNOW WHO’S IN THE DRIVEWAY BECAUSE I CAN’T SEE WHO’S IN THE DRIVEWAY WITHOUT OPENING MY DOOR AND CHECKING AND I CAN’T OPEN MY DOOR UNTIL I KNOW WHO’S KNOCKING AT IT!

A: But Who isn’t knocking at it.

C: I DON’T CARE WHO ISN’T KNOCKING AT IT I ONLY CARE WHO IS!

A: Well if you don’t care Who isn’t knocking I don’t see why you should care if he were.

C: If who were?

A: Exactly.

C: I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT EXACTLY I’M TALKING ABOUT WHO’S KNOCKING AT MY DOOR!

A: But don’t you understand! He can’t possibly be knocking at your door if he’s waiting in the driveway!

C: Who can’t?

A: Exactly.

C: Okay, okay, okay. Let’s go back to the beginning. Let’s just start with what we know: Someone is knocking at my door.

A: Right.

C: And that someone is you.

A: Correct.

C: Okay, so, you are knocking at my door– you’re the one coming to my door saying “Knock Knock,” to which I respond “Who’s there?” and––

A: No, I’m here, Who’s waiting in the dr––

C: ZIPPIT! ZIP YOUR LIPS I AM THINKING! Right. So, you say “Knock Knock” I ask “Who’s there?” And the answer to that question then would be “You.” You’re there.

A: Yes. I’m here.

C: Okay… okay. I think I’ve got this thing sorted out now. Let’s try this again. Okay?

A: Okay.

C: Okay. Here we go. Take it from the top.

A: “Knock Knock”

C: Now I ask “Who’s there?” to which the answer would be You’re there, so “You.” “Knock Knock; who’s there?; You.”

A: Right.

C: Okay. Okay. You who?

A: No! For the last time, I’m me, Who’s waiting in the driveway!

Aaaaand Curtain.

 

-S.P.

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